Friday, December 12, 2008

Child of My Heart

5"And Joshua said unto them, Pass over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of Jordan, and take you up every man of you a stone upon his shoulder, according unto the number of the tribes of the children of Israel:

6That this may be a sign among you, that when your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean ye by these stones?

7Then ye shall answer them, That the waters of Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off: and these stones shall be for a memorial unto the children of Israel for ever."

Joshua 4:5-6

Going back aways...

About nine years ago, Adam-Jon and discovered we were expecting our first little one.
Shortly after we told our parents, I miscarried.

I grieved for the baby I never met.
I grieved that no one else knew I had been pregnant. I wanted to share GOOD news, not that I had lost my first precious baby!
Would I and my husband be the only ones to mourn for this loss of life? Would we remember the Lord's kind hand in our sadness?

God taught us a lot about His faithfulness in those days.
He showered heaps of love upon us, and gently and compassionately taught us to be content whatever the circumstances.
I thought a lot about how we could remember our baby and these circumstances in a way that would glorify the Lord.

In my meditations I recalled the story of the children of Israel crossing the Jordan river.
Remember the water piling up in a heap for them to walk once again on dry ground?
After that event, Joshua commanded twelve men, one from each of the tribes, to walk into the river and choose a stone.
The men piled all their stones beside the river for the purpose of a marker, a sign reminding them of the great things God had done for them.
That pile of stones was remarkable enough to grab their attention every time they walked past, and provided opportunity for the retelling of a great and true story - the story of God's faithfulness to His children.

At that time AJ and I purposed to build an alter of our own. A sign to mark the place where God displayed His faithfulness to us.
We decided to name our baby.
A name would serve as a memorial we could point to in years to come, both for our own worship of God, and for the edification of the saints whenever we might choose to retell our story.

We named our first baby
Asarelah Eucharistia
which (I may not have spelled correctly, but) loosely translated is Hebrew for
"Contentment, and Remembrance of past mercies"

Once again we find ourselves in that rich place of having just experienced God's very tangible hand in our lives.
Once again we have lost a little part of ourselves - hopefully not only in the form of a wee babe, but also in our pride and self-sufficiency.
Once again, we build an alter where we come to worship the Lord God, and as a place to proclaim His mighty deeds!

We name another dear little child we've never met... once again.

This time we dispense with using another language even though it might make our sentiments sound more poetic. We have decided to boldly proclaim our love for our Lord in plain English.


Make no mistake, it is the truth! A reign is a term of rule that never ceases as long as the ruler is alive.
God is ALIVE! He is; He has always been, and always and forever will be. He reigns!
That is hope! There is no "why" He can't answer, there is no need for Him to answer my why's, but He can. He is God, and He reigns.
I am in awe that He knows me, and loves me.
I fall on my knees.
I worship.
The King of Kings reigns, and He is good.

That is our pile of stones - our memorial. That name GOD REIGNS will forever remind us not of our loss, but of the One who has given us everything, and not given us all that we truly deserve.

We worship Him... God Reigns!
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Job 38

1Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,

2Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?

3Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.

4Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.

5Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it?

6Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof;

7When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

8Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb?

9When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it,

10And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors,

11And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?

12Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place;

13That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?

14It is turned as clay to the seal; and they stand as a garment.

15And from the wicked their light is withholden, and the high arm shall be broken.

16Hast thou entered into the springs of the sea? or hast thou walked in the search of the depth?

17Have the gates of death been opened unto thee? or hast thou seen the doors of the shadow of death?

18Hast thou perceived the breadth of the earth? declare if thou knowest it all.

19Where is the way where light dwelleth? and as for darkness, where is the place thereof,

20That thou shouldest take it to the bound thereof, and that thou shouldest know the paths to the house thereof?

21Knowest thou it, because thou wast then born? or because the number of thy days is great?

22Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail,

23Which I have reserved against the time of trouble, against the day of battle and war?

24By what way is the light parted, which scattereth the east wind upon the earth?

25Who hath divided a watercourse for the overflowing of waters, or a way for the lightning of thunder;

26To cause it to rain on the earth, where no man is; on the wilderness, wherein there is no man;

27To satisfy the desolate and waste ground; and to cause the bud of the tender herb to spring forth?

28Hath the rain a father? or who hath begotten the drops of dew?

29Out of whose womb came the ice? and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it?

30The waters are hid as with a stone, and the face of the deep is frozen.

31Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion?

32Canst thou bring forth Mazzaroth in his season? or canst thou guide Arcturus with his sons?

33Knowest thou the ordinances of heaven? canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth?

34Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, that abundance of waters may cover thee?

35Canst thou send lightnings, that they may go and say unto thee, Here we are?

36Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts? or who hath given understanding to the heart?

37Who can number the clouds in wisdom? or who can stay the bottles of heaven,

38When the dust groweth into hardness, and the clods cleave fast together?

39Wilt thou hunt the prey for the lion? or fill the appetite of the young lions,

40When they couch in their dens, and abide in the covert to lie in wait?

41Who provideth for the raven his food? when his young ones cry unto God, they wander for lack of meat.

Job 39

1Knowest thou the time when the wild goats of the rock bring forth? or canst thou mark when the hinds do calve?

2Canst thou number the months that they fulfil? or knowest thou the time when they bring forth?

3They bow themselves, they bring forth their young ones, they cast out their sorrows.

4Their young ones are in good liking, they grow up with corn; they go forth, and return not unto them.

5Who hath sent out the wild ass free? or who hath loosed the bands of the wild ass?

6Whose house I have made the wilderness, and the barren land his dwellings.

7He scorneth the multitude of the city, neither regardeth he the crying of the driver.

8The range of the mountains is his pasture, and he searcheth after every green thing.

9Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?

10Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee?

11Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him?

12Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn?

13Gavest thou the goodly wings unto the peacocks? or wings and feathers unto the ostrich?

14Which leaveth her eggs in the earth, and warmeth them in dust,

15And forgetteth that the foot may crush them, or that the wild beast may break them.

16She is hardened against her young ones, as though they were not her's: her labour is in vain without fear;

17Because God hath deprived her of wisdom, neither hath he imparted to her understanding.

18What time she lifteth up herself on high, she scorneth the horse and his rider.

19Hast thou given the horse strength? hast thou clothed his neck with thunder?

20Canst thou make him afraid as a grasshopper? the glory of his nostrils is terrible.

21He paweth in the valley, and rejoiceth in his strength: he goeth on to meet the armed men.

22He mocketh at fear, and is not affrighted; neither turneth he back from the sword.

23The quiver rattleth against him, the glittering spear and the shield.

24He swalloweth the ground with fierceness and rage: neither believeth he that it is the sound of the trumpet.

25He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off, the thunder of the captains, and the shouting.

26Doth the hawk fly by thy wisdom, and stretch her wings toward the south?

27Doth the eagle mount up at thy command, and make her nest on high?

28She dwelleth and abideth on the rock, upon the crag of the rock, and the strong place.

29From thence she seeketh the prey, and her eyes behold afar off.

30Her young ones also suck up blood: and where the slain are, there is she.

Job 40

1Moreover the LORD answered Job, and said,

2Shall he that contendeth with the Almighty instruct him? he that reproveth God, let him answer it.

3Then Job answered the LORD, and said,

4Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my mouth.

5Once have I spoken; but I will not answer: yea, twice; but I will proceed no further.

6Then answered the LORD unto Job out of the whirlwind, and said,

7Gird up thy loins now like a man: I will demand of thee, and declare thou unto me.

8Wilt thou also disannul my judgment? wilt thou condemn me, that thou mayest be righteous?

9Hast thou an arm like God? or canst thou thunder with a voice like him?

10Deck thyself now with majesty and excellency; and array thyself with glory and beauty.

11Cast abroad the rage of thy wrath: and behold every one that is proud, and abase him.

12Look on every one that is proud, and bring him low; and tread down the wicked in their place.

13Hide them in the dust together; and bind their faces in secret.

14Then will I also confess unto thee that thine own right hand can save thee.

15Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox.

16Lo now, his strength is in his loins, and his force is in the navel of his belly.

17He moveth his tail like a cedar: the sinews of his stones are wrapped together.

18His bones are as strong pieces of brass; his bones are like bars of iron.

19He is the chief of the ways of God: he that made him can make his sword to approach unto him.

20Surely the mountains bring him forth food, where all the beasts of the field play.

21He lieth under the shady trees, in the covert of the reed, and fens.

22The shady trees cover him with their shadow; the willows of the brook compass him about.

23Behold, he drinketh up a river, and hasteth not: he trusteth that he can draw up Jordan into his mouth.

24He taketh it with his eyes: his nose pierceth through snares.

Job 41

1Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord which thou lettest down?

2Canst thou put an hook into his nose? or bore his jaw through with a thorn?

3Will he make many supplications unto thee? will he speak soft words unto thee?

4Will he make a covenant with thee? wilt thou take him for a servant for ever?

5Wilt thou play with him as with a bird? or wilt thou bind him for thy maidens?

6Shall the companions make a banquet of him? shall they part him among the merchants?

7Canst thou fill his skin with barbed irons? or his head with fish spears?

8Lay thine hand upon him, remember the battle, do no more.

9Behold, the hope of him is in vain: shall not one be cast down even at the sight of him?

10None is so fierce that dare stir him up: who then is able to stand before me?

11Who hath prevented me, that I should repay him? whatsoever is under the whole heaven is mine.

12I will not conceal his parts, nor his power, nor his comely proportion.

13Who can discover the face of his garment? or who can come to him with his double bridle?

14Who can open the doors of his face? his teeth are terrible round about.

15His scales are his pride, shut up together as with a close seal.

16One is so near to another, that no air can come between them.

17They are joined one to another, they stick together, that they cannot be sundered.

18By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.

19Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.

20Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.

21His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.

22In his neck remaineth strength, and sorrow is turned into joy before him.

23The flakes of his flesh are joined together: they are firm in themselves; they cannot be moved.

24His heart is as firm as a stone; yea, as hard as a piece of the nether millstone.

25When he raiseth up himself, the mighty are afraid: by reason of breakings they purify themselves.

26The sword of him that layeth at him cannot hold: the spear, the dart, nor the habergeon.

27He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood.

28The arrow cannot make him flee: slingstones are turned with him into stubble.

29Darts are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the shaking of a spear.

30Sharp stones are under him: he spreadeth sharp pointed things upon the mire.

31He maketh the deep to boil like a pot: he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment.

32He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary.

33Upon earth there is not his like, who is made without fear.

34He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride.



Kim said...


You just amaze me. I really have not other words to explain. You are just awesome.

princessmama said...

It's been said, but I have to say it again. You amaze me. You sound so much more upbeat than I did for a long time after our ordeal.

Our God is so good to us. Year after year as the trials and joys abound I can come to no other conclusion. No matter what happens this fact is planted deep in my being. God is good. All the time, all the way, no matter what, He is good.

Love you, thank you for your encouraging words. Your praise of Him adds light to my day.

Katrina said...

Thank you, Analene. I can imagine how good this is for you to type it all out. I sit here in silence, not really knowing what to say except that this has really helped me. We never named our little one (just never really could think of what name to give)and it still hurts. You've got me thinking...

gramsie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gramsie said...

"He gives and takes away, still my heart will surely say: Blessed be the Name of the Lord, Blessed be His holy Name!"
Makes heaven seem more dear to have these little ones waiting to meet me there.

Faith Alterton said...

Thanks for sharing this little baby with us, Analene: it's wee life here and it's now-perfected life. Looking forward to meeting him or her in person one day! Hugs, Faith

2homeschool said...

Oh, Love.

God Reigns.

It's perfect.


heidi said...

Thank you for sharing! For truly I am blessed to have listened to you...your faithfulness, your wisdom, your strength, your ability to hear the Lord in such difficult circumstances. The Lord has blessed me with your words.

When I miscarried it took me a long month filled with anger to let go and finally give the baby back to the Lord. All I could feel was hurt and couldn't see God's love. I don't think a soul out there knew how I felt because I put forth a good front in the public eye. My kids heard my angry words. That eventually made me even more sad. I learned that they too were grieving and I never saw that till I finally let go of all that anger. I blamed the world that day, had I not gone to the park, had I not felt so pushed to entertain the homeschool community, yadda, yadda, yadda...and even worse...I took it in my heart so far as to blame my kids for getting me involved in that day. I had some serious forgiveness to ask for and then I was grieving my lack of love to my own family. My heart grew after that. I am thankful my kids know the Lord's love and were able to reflect that back onto me when I was such a tyrant.

You are amazing and I am thankful for your words. Isn't it amazing how the Lord uses people to help the blind see and the deaf hear!!

barefootbabe said...

I know how you feel. Thanks for the encouragement. We've been through a really dark time lately - we just lost a baby at 18 weeks, and have found out that any future pregnancies will be automatically termed high-risk. I feel like I'm free-falling: I have found a peace in knowing nothing else except that God loves me and my husband is awesome. I have to be careful to not think too much, just to rest in knowing that God has a plan. ...Learning to take each day as it comes (something I've never been good at!).

Momma Bug said...

Dear Barefootbabe,

I am deeply saddened by your own loss.
I understand what you mean by dark times. I certainly don't know what to say, other than that He is faithful - oh so faithful. And He knows your sadness intimately.

I'll be praying for you and your husband. I would love to know what the Lord does in the days to come. I hope you'll share with me:-)

Love to you friend!

barefootbabe said...

What surprises me is my own reaction. Immediately after we delivered our boy, I felt strong and at peace, and was very grounded. Since then, I have begun riding an emotional roller coaster of faith and doubt. Have you ever heard of the book Abba's Child by Brennan Manning? I've been reading it this week, and have realized that the root of my insecurity is a feeling of worthlessness. Who am I to think that God would perform a miracle for me? And yet, in His love, He is promising me so much, more than I can imagine. He keeps reminding me of the story of Gideon. God wanted to do something so big, so outrageous, that no one would be able to claim the victory. I think that He wants to do something supernaturally big with us, too. I am trying to let go of myself, of my desire to earn His favor, and to just accept this amazing love.

A quote from the book: "Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion."

Thanks for listening.

Sisterlisa said...

That was beautiful Analene.

barefootbabe said...

Analene, I wanted to let you know how I am feeling lately. It has gotten sooo much better! I do not like to blame my feelings on hormones, but I actually think hormones have a lot to do with how I was feeling last week. Finally I lost 3 pounds in 2 days, stopped feeling bloated and my skin cleared up overnight. Oh, and I woke up feeling normal again. Maybe there's something to that hormone idea after all...
Our good God is teaching me to just "be" with Him-not striving for answers or planning for the future, but remembering what it is like to just live and walk with Him all day. A friend of mine wrote a song that says, "Won't You dance with me all through the night, until the morning light, dance with me." And now, I am just content to dance with Him-letting Him lead, letting Him set the agenda. Just trusting Him to walk me through each day's challenges.
I hope this encourages you to read it as much as it encourages me to write it!

Katrina said...

Dear Analene,

thank you for your comment on my blog today. I have been so touched by what you write here and that poem I wrote was my way of doing a bit of what you are doing here. It really was such a deeply emotional time and so many different feelings were felt that I am glad to have written out what was so precious to me in those moments.


Hannah said...

We had a baby pass away last fall and trusting God's supremecy was a difficult thing to do at first,

A Joyful Chaos said...

I'm at loss for words right now as I sit here with tears and goosebumps.

What a sweet sweet spirit you have. I will have to bookmark this post and come back to read it again. We also have several babies in heaven that we lost before we really met them.


Chad and Jessica's Family: said...

Hello, so sorry it has taken so long to reply. Yes we are in ID. I actually met Donna once but now I hear she is not there anymore. How funny. It is a small world. Take care.