Because of HIS Blood...

One week ago tonight I was opened up for emergency surgery.

I was calm, stoic, and peaceful while the nurses and other hospital staff raced around me, but just as with My brother Charlie's near-death experience seven years ago, I blocked off all my emotional sensations during the fiasco. I guess it's my body's default "cope" mechanism, to wait 'till later for that good cry.

It's only now, after I am a week past it and on the mend, that I feel in a deluge of that emotion I successfully put off.

I believe I was fairly coherent during the hours AJ and I spent in the ER, but last night my husband reminded me otherwise.
Since I was concentrating so much on the pain, I missed a lot visually.
While I caught most the words, I missed expressions on faces.
And turned towards the wall and my husband, I didn't notice how many nurses filled my room at once.
Thankfully I am unfamiliar with ER proceedings enough to not know it was extremely unusual for them to station a nurse with me who never left my side. Not once.

At some point in our wait, I heard the comforting voice of my husband talking to me about what a good marriage we've had, and how much fun we've had together.

At the time, I was frustrated to hear these things - they sounded so sentimental, and I was trying to avoid a cry at all costs!
Isn't that pathetic?
My belovedest friend in the whole world comforts me with such sweet loving words, and I think lightly upon it! Moreover, these are not words we throw around at every occasion - they really were very dear.

These reminiscences are what put me over the edge last night. The tears came, and I wanted to thank my beloved, and say all those last things I put off with the emotion last week.
I was ready for the wonderful cleanse that comes from a good cry!

As I poured out my heart to AJ and he reminded me of what I hadn't seen, he told me that I have not grasped how grave the situation was.

I had forgotten that shortly before I began hearing those calming words, the nurses rolled something in behind me, and I heard AJ say

"Wow."

"That doesn't look good."

And unfortunately, she didn't have any calming words for him, to buffer the reality that my vitals were so bad, a crash cart with all the tools necessary for resuscitation was a must.

That is a sobering memory for me, especially as I consider what AJ must have been facing.

Finally being wheeled out of that Emergency room, and on toward the Operating Room, I remember thinking

"I really could die."

"I'm ready - I could meet Jesus tonight!"

and then:

"Lord, please give me a little more time! I know You are taking care of my family, but please...
...just a little more time."

finally, with feelings of great peace, I thought to myself:

"Lord, I'm leaking a lot of blood. I might die. But that's okay, because you already gave YOUR blood for me.
Because of that, my blood doesn't matter!"

That is actually what I thought! Isn't it wonderful?!!

My gratitude is suddenly a mile deeper.
my perspective a little wider,
my thanks fuller,
my love for Him a lot greater,
and my awe over His love for me just continues to grow!

Last night I got my cry, but it was a cry from a grateful heart. I sit here with my husband!
The Lord answered my prayer with a "YES"!
He gave us exactly what we did not deserve!!! Do you understand that? We are not entitled to any good thing we get. All we are entitled to is DEATH.
That's what the ransom price for our sin is, and that is what Jesus Christ paid on the Cross with His blood.

His perfectly blameless blood.

I got exactly what I don't deserve.

"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

Thank You Lord.

In Marvel of His Mercy
~Analene~